You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.

 

It matters not what you do, as long as you are the best one doing it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

 

 

 

 

Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can resist everything except temptation.

 

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

 

 

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

 

 

 A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

 

 

 

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.

 

 

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

 

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

 

 

 

 

 

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

 

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

 

 

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

 

 

 

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

 

 

 

 

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.

 

       
       
War does not determine who is right,
war determines who is left. 		A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue    
      If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen
are defrocked, shouldn't it follow that
cowboys would be deranged?
A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.      
      I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
 
Never insult the hippo until after
you have crossed the river.		      
       
       
    Always drink upstream from the herd.  
A fool and his money can throw
a hell of a party.		      
       
       
       
       
      You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
    If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.  
    If your feet smell and your nose runs,
you're built upside down. 		 
    Don't squat with your spurs on.  
    Always take a good look at what you're about
to eat. It's not so important to know what it is,
but it's sure crucial to know what it was. 		Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
    Timing has a lot to do with the outcome
 of a rain dance. 		 
Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.   It's better to be a has-been than a never-was. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Birthdays are good for you -
the more you have the longer you live.		   When I want your opinion,
I'll remove the duct tape.		 I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
     
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
 		      
       
       
       

Tom, find pictures for these "fortunes"

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------